Maybe I was meant to be left behind.

I feel there have been very VERY few people in my life who have accepted me for everything I am. The good and the bad. It always seems that people expect me to be perfect, and want to hold my mistakes above my head.

I tend to love, ssacrafice, and hurt more than I should...

Right now...at this very moment...I wish I could be selfish, I wish I cared more about myself and less about everyone else.

I wish I felt loved...I wish I felt like I meant something to someone.

Right now...at this very moment...I don't feel like it would make any difference if I just disspeared.

It's a rush I can't explain.

I really wonder sometimes if he has even the slightest idea of just how much I'm in this....

True or false, it may be she's still out to get me.

I know that I can be a hard person to handle. I think this is mostly because I am extremely outspoken, and don't really take bullshit. My father claims that I'm ignorant, but really...I'm not.
My mother tells me I need to take the bullshit comments people throw at me.
I strongly disagree with both of them. In certain situations, I am aware I will be required to deal with a certain amount of bullshit, especially from work. but that's life...I get that parents. I shouldn't have to have a family filled with people that are unsupportive and judgemental. Fuck off.
So, I've come up with a plan of action. As much as I'd like to continue to not pay rent...and as lonely as living alone is...the goal is just that. Getting the fuck out of dodge. I simply value my sanity more than living rent free. So I'll begin with paying off my car. Double payments should take care of that within several months. Pay off some outstanding bills to get that shit off my credit report...and then start buying shit that I will use to furnish my future dumpy apartment while stashing some cash as well.

I honestly and truly do not like being angry. I'm a pretty bubbly person...I am a chatterbox, and love to laugh. Sticking me in this tense, stressful environment is like leaving a flower in the dark....ripping wings off a butterfly...it's cruel. I gotta get out.

Ideas pull the trigger, but Instinct loads the gun.

Never assume, cause...well, you probably know why. But I won't assume you do ;) People can surprise you. Communication is key in any important relationship in your life. Never be afraid to be honest. Never let the truth be an after-thought. I hope that all the people in my life respect me enough to give me at least that. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings...I have been through tougher times than you may know. I've always come out on my feet, and more resilient than before. This is not to say that I don't fall apart once in a while, or shed a tear here or there. But I don't ever want to be an obligation to anyone. I want you to want me in your life, and if you don't...then just simply say so. Because if you're in mine, it's because I want you there.

xoxo

Punch List

I have a bit of pent of aggression right now for various reasons, all of which are not worth discussing...rather I'm just going to hate on some random shit.

Things I want to punch in the face:

1. Precious Moments.
-I used to enjoy them, but only because my grandma collected them. So naturally my mother did as well, and I was like oh...well I guess I'll have to too...not. They're stupid, pastel, pieces of shit, wastes of money. Why in fuck would I want a bunch of those doe-eyed bullshit statues sitting around my house like I'm an 80 year old cat lady. No thank you.

2. Designer Fakes.
-Owned one, never will again. Spend the money on the real thing, or don't bother. I don't like fake people so why would I like fake Fendi? Makes no sense.

3. Hair extensions.
-Really? It's much sexier to be able to rock what you've got. I'm tired of all these fake nail'd, fake tanned, fake boobed, fake haired bitches thinking they're something. If you were, you wouldn't need fake everything.

4. Shark Week,
- I don't fucking like sharks to begin with, and because of my mother allowing me to watch Jaws as a child I have been afraid of even stepping foot into water deeper than my waist including Lake Michigan. Especially if I can't see the bottom.

5. People who cheat on their significant others.
-I'm talking all venues of cheating. Hiding things, having emotional talks with another person instead of your bf/gf, and of course physically. I see a relationship as a partnership/friendship/safe place where you can be yourself. You are supposed to let that person in, share things, have fun, and trust each other. I'm not saying you can't have time to yourself to have your own hobbies, or go out with the guys/girls once in a while. But if you're gonna cheat...give the person the common decency and let them go. Don't be a scumbag.

6. One-uppers.
-You know the person...the one where you're having a conversation and mention that this week your allergies have been terrible, and they say, "Mine too I almost died...twice."
Fuck off.

7. People who can't handle real life.
-Don't complain to me about how hard your life is when you planned on/chose to have kids, a mortgage, car payment, cable, a fancy new phone, dogs, and can't pay the bills or feed your family. Get a job, or another job, and stop drinking at the bar every night. Shut the fuck up. We all have bills.

8. People who think they're better than than everyone else.
-Excuse me, I don't know what exactly gave you that impression but you shit, piss, and breath the same as the rest of us, so get your head out of your ass.

9. The smell of popcorn...especially microwaved.
-There's something about that smell that for whatever reason I can almost equate it the smell of vomit, or farts sometimes. It's quite off putting.

10. Mosquitoes.
-Not that I feel this one needs elaboration, but they quite literally suck. Especially because they wreaked havoc upon my favorite species of bird (the crow) a while back and nearly eradicated them from existence in these parts. Lucky for me, they're making a comeback this year :)

Barf bags are not included in this blog...read at your own risk.

Sooo today is the start to an extremely long weekend. The boy is in Vegas until monday night. He hasn't even been gone a full 24 hours and I already miss him like crazy. I'm a dork. It's been just 5 months and I couldn't have imagined being this happy. I love being around him (when neither of us is crabby ;) ), he is just awesome to me. He's smarter than people probably know, he's funny, sweet, and, close your eyes to avoid the over-share, pretty great in the sack. Here's hoping we get to share many more great times in the future.

xoxo

And yet again...

I will be starting another new job. I feel crappy everytime I have to start a new job. But whatever, I have to see if this time I'll be able to make some money. I've given my current employer since May, and nothing has changed. So starting August 23rd...I will hopefully have extra money to save.

I had other things on my mind that I wanted to get out of my head and into this blog, but unfortunately my inconsiderate, waste of life of a brother walked passed me just now while I was typing and continued to spew bullshit nonsense out of his face. So I forgot what I wanted to say....fuck this.

To be honest, I really never pictured my life at 27 being what it is now. I mean, who would? Broke, living at home, shit job, shit car....
Yeah, no one.

My climb to the top is long and steep, but despite whatever is thrown my way I don't have an option to stop...or turn around. It's onward, and upwards. I have no other choice.

I just don't know how I let myself fall so far.

Help, I'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

I am starting school this fall. I'm starting out with one class. I've never gone to school and also worked full time, so I wanted to see what my stress-o-meter will be like before I go ahead and load myself with 3 or 4 classes. As long as things go smoothly through winter break, by spring semester I should be able to have at least 3 classes going. Phew. I was honestly getting to the point where I thought school, was once again, not going to happen for me this year.

Thankfully, my dad agreed to pick up the tab on this course. Not sure why he decided to be nice, but whatever. I'm not gonna question it or complain.

Work is picking up too, so this week is extra good. Not particularly looking forward to the weekend considering boyfriend has to work Saturday and Sunday :( That is lame with a side of bogus. It would be tolerable if he didn't just tell me yesterday that he may have to do the same thing next weekend. Blah. Dislike. Hopefully the weekend after next we get to go south for the weekend though. That would make up for it.

Oh, and also Dear Illinois State Police...please put my FOID in the mail. Thanks. I sent the application in like...a week and a half ago.

Anyway, i'm gonna go do some crunches...wash myself...maybe take a 20 minute power nap.
Oh, and get excited...new Tosh tonight.

Until your facebook gets hacked.

And then you have what feels like a mini heart attack combined with an anxiety attack sprinkled with a bit of brain aneurysm. Because we all know that face to face social interaction is sooo 90's. What in heaven's would we do without the inter web?!?!? No FB?? I had to go a measly 24 hours without one and didn't know what the fuck to do with myself. I don't know how we ever became so dependant upon Internet social networking sites. Is there really nothing else for us to do but virtual stalking of all our friends, friends of friends, and people we used to be friends with but aren't really any more other than on facebook because they aren't really important enough for us in real life??? Shit. I mean, I know I wish there was more things for me to do. Hopefully school will occupy some of the countless wasteful hours I spend on FB. My boyfriend actually called me a "Facebook Whore" today. Now, I know it's getting bad...but I simply replied, "Well, it's better than being a real life whore." To which he had not much else to say because, well it's true. I didn't really take much offense to it, considering he's a Call of Duty whore. Haha. Whatever. It's all good in this kid's neighborhood. I'm gonna try and get some shut eye because tomorrow I have to shave two gigantic St. Bernards and I will not be a pleasant person to be around until I'm finished because they are bigger than miniature horses. Ugh...setting my alarm a tad earlier so I can grab coffee immediately tomorrow a.m.

night all

Hey Friday...you slippery little minx you ;)

I am beyond overjoyed for the arrival of the weekend. This week has been long and I am overdue for some social interaction with my friends. Hopefully the shennanigans that ensue over the next couple of days give me some exciting and/or hilarious things to blog about...that is, if I can remember them. ;)

People never cease to amaze me.

Honestly, what are you? Go ahead and keep solidifying the choice I made. I suppose some people legitimately have no idea how to act like an adult. Or even pretend to be one. Get over yourself, and get over thinking I care who you talk to. It's the secrets and the shady-ness that are the issue...but you never got that, did you?

I got my heart, but my heart's no good.

Just once, I'd like for something in my life to work out ya know? I'm beginning to think I really am just prepetually sabotaging myself. I have no idea why, or when it started. What I know is that I'd like it to stop.

I think I may have to consciously remind myself on a daily basis, not to hate on myself. Hahaha. Wow. I'm my own worst hater. What the fuck...

Don't just stand there and watch me fall.

I feel overwhelmingly discouraged right now. I just don't know where to even begin to climb out of the hole I've fallen into. It's as if every time I get to the edge, someone pushes me back over. I refuse to give up...I refuse to let my dreams die. I'll get there, eventually. However long it takes...but that doesn't mean I can't scream and cry to get this frustration out of my body right now. I just can't have it in me anymore. It's killing me.

You gotta let me inside...

Even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see. Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be. You gotta love yourself before you can ever love me.

Plllleeease universe, just give me a tiny, itty bitty, break already, will ya?!

Sometimes, I feel like I am the epitome of Murphy's Law. I am nearing my tolerance threshold as far as stress goes, and at any moment I feel like I am going to collapse into a sobbing, sniffling, mess. I am trying as much as I can to hold it together, and wait it out...but every morning I can feel the breakdown creeping closer. I've beat it back several times already. I am at capacity...I'm pretty sure one more discouraging event is going to throw me into hysterical blindness.
I am begging you Karma, throw some good luck my way. This girl's about to crack.

I know what I know if ya know what I mean.

The truth is, I have learned to live without alot of things. I guess it's more of a good thing, than anything. Although, not in every case. And just because I've learned to live without something, doesn't mean my heart still doesn't hurt a little. Affection, love, the feeling like you matter to someone...that's hard to live without, but trust me it can be done.
I've finally gotten to the place in my life where I don't need specific people in my life...if you're in it, it's because I want you in it. I don't want to need people. For whatever reason, way back whenever...I started relying on other people for nearly everything in life. Turns out, you should really be relying on yourself.
Like Mick Jagger sang, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need." I love the Rolling Stones...and that quote is something everyone should try, at least a tiny bit, to believe in. Sometimes ya gotta learn to go with the flow and ride things out. If you work hard you'll get where you wanna be eventually.
No matter how random things may seem, there's always a plan, right Hannibal?

I can only be there for you...

if you let me.

This land is your land.

Independence Day. A day used in celebrating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. July 4Th, 1776...a day that we've turned into BB Q's, fireworks, carnivals, parades, and over indulgence in alcohol. Which, in all honesty, I guess we have the freedom to do now.
Maybe this year, let's not forget we have men and women fighting for this country right now, as they have been for almost 10 years in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Let's remember their families, and their friends...who are wishing nothing more than to have those men and women home with them to celebrate. And let's toast to the fallen men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice so we could go soak up the sun with a beer in hand on a pontoon boat or on beach or some one's backyard, and laugh and enjoy everything life has to offer.

Be safe everyone, and enjoy life this weekend.

Cheers.

This bitter earth.

People are strange. Usually creatures of habit...mostly, they stick to their comfort zones. Those few spontaneous ones...the risk takers, the rebels; those are the ones I tend to gravitate towards. I am myself, a self-proclaimed wild child. Though I'm more subdued these days, I still have that fire inside, that urge to get up and go. I think that's why monotony bores me. Not to say that I can't maintain relationships, or remain in one place for a while...despite the fact that my track record may relay a different story, I can. Things in those relationships just need to be fun, and interesting.

It's funny to me how other people do things, you know they're not happy with. How they'll just settle for the situation they're in. To me, that kind of life will never be satisfying. I feel for those people. Those who convince themselves they can live that way, or with people they despise.
I did far too much settling, and convincing in my life. With significant others as well as platonic relationships. I'm finished with that. There's things I want to do, and places I wanna go that I've put off for years for the sake of someone else's happiness. Not anymore.

I just wish everyone could make that change in their lives, because you've only got this one shot at it, and it would be a damn shame to waste it.

Fool me once shame on you...Fool me twice, fuck you.

The boy is finally moved out of the crapartment. It's such a melancholy ending to this situation that was not always so tumultuous. We had a multitude of good times there. But it was just a series of unfortunate events that have led us to this point. It is the end of a chapter in life, mostly his...as he was clearly affected the most in this debacle.

I am so glad to have the weekend here, even though my saturday is shot with having to attend a glorious back yard wedding like an hour away. I'm sure we'll manage to make the best of it and fabricate out own good time.

Enjoy your weekend all!!

I like me.

The people in my life, and the relationships that I make...are extremely important to me.
I am a giver by nature. I love for my friends and loved ones to be happy, and I'll do anything within my capabilities to build onto their blissfulness.
But I wonder, does this make me more vulnerable to heartbreak and disappointment?
Maybe. I don't think that means I should change who I am though. I didn't always believe that. There was a time, however, I felt that might be a necessary modification to my personality.
As I've gotten older (not much!), I have become comfortable enough with myself and amply confident in who I am, where I'm going in life, and what I want out of it as well. This helps me maintain this trait and I am so glad it does. =)

Ants in my pants!

Ooohhh the more I see on msnbc, cnn, c-span...the more I feel like I can't get through school fast enough. Knowing all the things I know about disappearing wetlands, deforestation, displaced wildlife gives me more motivation than anything or anyone else.
It's utterly mind boggling to me that I hadn't figured out earlier that it was so clear what I should be doing. I kinda want to punch myself in the head. =)

So as long as the world doesn't end in 2012...ya know, in account of the zombie apocalypse...I will be actively pursuing my education to make a difference in our environment, and be a voice for nature and wildlife.

Unless it's a matter of the heart.

I'm different from other girls. I don't need flowers, or candy, or jewelery. I've never needed that. I think what means more to me are your words, and the way you look at me, and how you touch me. Romance to me, isn't an expensive dinner with fancy drinks...it's just not some over the top act.
It's someone offering to help and support me; or telling me I'm making a wrong decision. That honesty...that's what I want. Because being that honest takes guts.
I'm stubborn, and persistant and I need someone who can calm me down, and clear my vision when it's blinded by my hard headed-ness.
I want someone to challenge me, and themselves. Someone who is just as thirsty for knowledge and driven to make the most of this life as I am.
I've missed out on alot in my life...I have so many things to see and do. I really can't wait to start. =)

Until you get put on the endangered species list.

Some of you may not agree with the aggressive manor that the Sea Shepherds of the Steve Irwin, Bob Barker, and Ady Gill use in attempt to eradicate illegal Japanese whaling.

But I believe their cause and their mission is brave and necessary. Whales are amazing, beautiful creatures, and in 1966 it became illegal to hunt them. Most nations respected this ban besides the Soviet Union, who continued to hunt them until the 1970's. Now, it's only the Japanese (who claim to be legally killing and collecting for "research").
Humpback whales have been marked for extinction from planet Earth. The Japanese quota for this years hunt? 50 Humpback whales.
The destruction of their habitat is also to blame for their perilous situation. Humpback's migrate from Mexico, Hawaii, and Japan to Alaska's Glacier Bay to feed on krill during the summer. This bay receives runoff from the Tongass Forest, and as long as it was a protected wilderness area the bay was safe. That was until 2003, when the Healthy Forest Initiative opened 9 million acres of this forest to logging. Now this bay is at risk of runoff that contains sediments and nitrates from logging that can kill the krill.

Currently there are somewhere between 30,000 - 40,000 whales left in the entire world. This is approximately 1/3 the number of whales that originally roamed the seven seas.

I don't want to make it all about the whales though...there are far too many creatures that your children, and grandchildren may not ever know. The immensity of it overwhelms me, and I just don't know how I've gotten this far in life without deciding to make wildlife conservation my life's work. I mean, the most meaningful tattoo I have is the World Wildlife Fund logo...it only makes sense. Feel free to browse the list of endangered species for yourself. It's incredibly disheartening to see, and know there's little I can do at this point. Hopefully I remain focused on my goal, as far as my education is concerned, and can one day do my part in the struggle to conserve so many of this planet's most important natural places these creatures call home.

You say tomato, I say Baja Blast.

So I was convinced into trying a Baja Blast Mountain Dew today...and even though I kinda thought it tastes like windex I still continue to drink it.

Moving along, so I had a lovely stroll through the forest. The dogs had a good romp and had fun smelling nature. Good times.

I'm looking forward to pay day tomorrow...as well as going on a date with my super rad boyfriend. I'm gonna be his sugar mama tomorrow night. ;)
Hopefully this weekend will be filled with lots of friends and good times.

In other news, I'm pretty sure that pot smokers are among the most generous demographics of people I've ever met. They will bum you their last smoke, share their last bit of resin...even use the last dollar in their pocket to get you some munchies. They really are some peaceful, zen-like mother fuckers. ...Why is weed illegal again?


Well...I plan to start being more active in life now that I am once again receiving regular paychecks. Then, I foresee being able to present you with much more worth-while blogs.
I am so regretful I have nothing intelligent, nor interesting for today...or yesterday for that matter.

Aside from the fact that I couldn't be happier that our Chicago Blackhawks are the 2010 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS!!!

Til tomorrow...

The search for something more.

To be honest, how someone else views you or your actions should never weigh heavy on your mind. If you believe the way you are living your life is virtuous there is no reason for worry. Otherwise, reevaluate your situation. See if there is any room for improvement and make the necessary adjustments.

I've recently taken the time to assess my own life. There were a few things that needed some fine tuning. As a result, I feel much more at ease and - go figure -happy. I will be the first to admit I haven't always been the most compassionate and kind human being. I've been snarky, and bitter...and sometimes down right ruthlessly cruel. And maybe a few years ago I would've told you I didn't care...but right now I can't say that I feel good about the person I chose to be in the past.

I hope that the differences are noticeable, and that those who remain in my life as well as the people I meet in the future will benefit from the revamped version of Christine.

As much as I enjoy nice weather, I almost can't wait until the fall. Waiting to go back to school almost feels like Christmas morning as a kid. Someone remind me to come back and read this when I start complaining about midterms eventually.

Side note - Had a great time last night watching the game. Thanks guys.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hit with a wine bottle.

Here's the thing...I'm not a low life. I do not have any inclination with affiliating myself with such people either. I do not want to be the 50 year old drunk woman choking people and getting in people's faces, screaming and looking undeniably ridiculous. I do not want to be the "fiance" shacking up in the basement feeling as if that fact gives me some sort of prominence. These occurrences simply solidify the fact that alcohol is the least of my priorities, and is not essential to my well-being.

It is the furthest thing from a necessity at this point in my life to subject myself to an environment that breeds this type of behavior. While it may be poignant and formidable to do so, as this wasn't always the case, sometimes extracting yourself from an obviously virulent situation is the only way to move on with your life.

Amidst the melancholy and the tribulation, there is something inside me that feels tranquility and revitalization.

Here's to moving on and to my future endeavors. Let's hope it's clear skies ahead.

Toxic America

So I don't really wanna bug out all you expectant mothers or those trying to have kids.....but apparently, babies are born with over 200 chemicals in there bodies. They've done research on cord blood from 10 babies born over the last year. Most commonly was a chemical called BPA, bisphenol. It is used in making plastics. Other chemicals found include TBBPA (used in making flame retardants), Galoxolide and Tonalide used in common cosmetics and detergents, and PFBA or C4 used in Teflon.

As far as the BPA is concerned...on top of the amount they are already born with in their systems, they are just going to ingest more from drinking from bottles, and sucking on pacifiers.

How can we avoid this? Well...it's difficult to say. Everything is chemicals. Trace amounts of chemicals, which may or may not lead to cancer...of course they never have enough proof or enough conclusive date to 100% say whether or not we are at risk, cannot be avoided.

Alot of this falls on the EPA. Who's job it is to test chemicals and make sure they are safe. Although the previous law on chemicals was grandfathered in and included 60,000 chemicals (they're up to 80,000 now). So maybe it's time for them to go back and recheck some of them. And this may take some time. What they may need is for companies wanting to bring in new chemicals pay for the EPA to test the chemicals they are wanting to use. People will be more apt to buy products tested and approved by the EPA I think.

Another problem that they're coming up with now is finding cadmium in many different children's jewlery. For more information on cadmium, just click the link I've included. These products are being shipped in from China.

As far as food...buying organic is always going to your best bet and regardless always wash your produce. Try and buy meats with the least amount of antibiotics and growth hormones.

When it comes to cookware...cast iron and stainless steal can replace your Teflon coated non stick pots and pans. For leftovers, rather than saving them in reusable plastic containers, use glass containers.

Worried about the air in your home? A house plant can eliminate up to 90% of the chemicals in the air.

I don't want to dwell too much on these sorts of things, because it'll make you crazy and insane, but when you can...avoid some of these things if it's feasible.

=)

Before I kick the bucket...

Here's the things I am hoping to get to do before my time on this incredible journey we call life comes to and end.
Feel free to make your own bucket lists, and post them as a comment or send them to me via email and I will post them as my next blog. Email to easybreezey0117@yahoo.com

1. Complete my college education.

2. Marry someone who is ambitious, intelligent, creative, motivated, spontaneous...and most of all...loves me.

3. See the Grand Canyon.

4. Visit all 50 states.

5. Travel abroad. Especially, Ireland, Australia, Italy, and Egypt.

6. See the aurora borealis

7. See Niagra Falls

8. Learn ASL (American Sign Language)

9. Learn another spoken language.

10. Learn to play the guitar.

11. Learn how to deer hunt on my own.

12. See the rainforest.

13. See the Galapagos Islands.

14. Visit a volcano

15. Become the absolute best possible person I can be.


This is just a start...The great thing about this blog, is the EDIT option. I can come back and add, check off, delete...whenever I'd like. There are lots of sites dedicated strictly to these "bucket lists", but I already have this blog keeping a record of my life, so it only seems fitting to keep everything I document on myself together in one easy accessable spot.

I just feel inspired today. Like, even if I have to do it alone...well, besides the getting married part...I can get these things done.

But seriously, let's get our education on.

Alright people, level with me..So they fucked up. Diamond saw is broken. The giant ass shears are too jagged, so the cap will need to be modified. Fail. The oil is spreading. 37% of the gulf is off limits to fishing. Shrimp, oysters, blue fin tuna, a third of their habitat is in jeopardy. And it will hit Florida TODAY.

The marshes are silent. There are no birds, no bugs...nothing. There's nothing they can even do about it. The oil has been there for several weeks, and everything is just dieing off.

No matter what BP says they're doing to clean it up, more and more of it is spewing into the ocean, and into the gulf, making it's way to the coast lines.

New areas are threatened every single day, every single hour for that matter. There is no plan of action right now...there is nothing that is set and in motion to try and finally put an end to this catastrophe.
Some of the fishermen that have begun attempting to clean this up on their own, due to BP's lack of assistance, are getting sick from the oil fumes. BP CEOs have tried to say it's not from the oil...maybe something they ate. Wow. Really?

As far as discontinuing off shore drilling, this won't happen quite yet. Not all off shore drilling sites are in as bad of shape as the BP site was. We just need to have them well inspected and make sure everything is in good shape, and safe. If not, fix them and make them better.

Last time I checked, the estimated rate at which oil is invading the gulf it was 1.1 million gallons a day. That translates to 26,500 barrels a day. We are currently on DAY 45. That's half way to the amount of the Ixtoc oil spill, and that lasted months.

This may not directly effect any of you right now, but it will. Currently, it has effected my family already. They live in Florida, which is not a very wealthy state. They rely hugely on their tourism which is already taken a giant hit. Reservations for many hotels along the Gulf coast have been and are continuing to be cancelled.

This will end up being a trickle down affect. It may be a dog eat dog world when it comes to certain things, but not when it comes to the sustainability of the resources we all consume and require to live. if anyone has any questions or garbage claims you'd like me to refute or if there's anything I've left out...let me know. I'm just so frazzled right now with the idea of people's misconceptions and theories that this has no bearing on the rest of the world other than those along the gulf coast.

I really, really dislike the fact that I am such an indecisive person.

The one thing I have decided on for sure...is that I am going back to school. To start, I will be going to get my AS in Science. I'm already one semester through. Thankfully the courses I took previously all count towards this degree. Then, I'm hoping to go for my bachelor's in Biology at Governors State. After that comes the tricky part. Do I want to do: A. the master's program at IIT for Environmental Sustainability, B. Remain at Governors State and get my masters there as well in environmental science, C. The masters program at DePaul for Ecology and Evolution, D. the masters program at UIC for Anthropology, or E. the Environmental Science masters program at UIC????

Oooor, OR should I just shut up, focus on getting through my bachelor's in Biology because I know I definitely want it...and figure the rest out later?? I don't know! I just know I like to have a goal in mind because it seems to make it easier to get through. Like, that light at the end of the pitch black, never-ending tunnel...ya know?

Anyway, if anyone reads this...thought, comments, opinions...all are welcome, and appreciated.

Oh, and one more thing...Go Hawks! Game 3 tonight!

When ticks attack!

Friday was tons of fun :) Although somehow I ended up black-out drunk. I think I shall blame Colleen and Kristina for that due to the overwhelming amount of grape bombs.
Either way, still an awesome time.
Saturday morning woke up, not sure how or when we ended up in bed, and Josh decided we should just high tail it on outta this town and go down to his uncle's place.
The drive down went by super fast. I took a nap once we got there because I had a never ending friggin hang over that day.
Sunday we spent a couple hours on a fishing boat, which was great for me. Lots of sun and not alot of bugs and some hang time with that boy I like.
Monday just chilled and watched the Hawks, and some River Monsters.
Another shitty night filled with horrible nightmares. =/ I don't know what the heck is up with that. I haven't had nightmares this often and this bad in a while. It's not too fun.
Ummmm...I very badly want to be in good enough shape to wear a smiwsuit. Oh well, I'm gonna go buy one anyway...thanks mom.

Happy Friday, I guess...

3 day weekend! I wish I had anything at all interesting to be blogging about. I feel extremely inadequate as a person actually that there's absolutely nothing of relevance or substance floating around my brain right now that I feel would be blog worthy material. Maybe I'm losing my touch. When I had a myspace I always had something or another to throw out there for the masses. But today, nada. I apologize for my uselessness. =/

I don't think anyone really gets it...

I'm done with the drama. I don't care who hates you cause of whatever reason, or who talked shit about who. I'm too tired of it, and I have more important things I can focus my energy on, for instance...filling my bank account back up. Planning trips, and figuring out what classes to take in the fall, because it's about time I actually do something with myself.

I don't have time to be angry anymore either. Please, if you're in a piss poor mood...just steer clear of my location. I like smiling, laughing, and fun. If none of those sound appealing, take a hike.

In other news, 3 day weekend here I come!

Maybe the ice around my heart finally melted.

I was at work today and we have this little Thomas the train play area set up right outside the grooming room in between that and the puppies play rooms. So there's always kids staring at me and hanging around out there. I didn't have any appointments scheduled so I was mingling with customers who were looking at the puppies trying to convince them to take one home, since I can't :) Anyway, after I got through suckering an adorable old couple (who just put there 2 sixteen year old cocker spaniels to sleep 6 weeks ago) into buying a teeny tiny little shihtzu/yorkie I was walking back to the groom room and happened upon a lost little boy.
His name was Ryan and he was 3 years old. For being so young, and seemingly lost, he was sooo calm and collected. He looked up at me and said, " Hey, hi I was too busy playin' Thomas and now my dad just left me here!" Hahaha...I was like, "Oh I'm sure he didn't just leave you here. Why don't we go try and find him?" And so we did.

I'm not sure what it was...but between that, and my pseudo nephew's parent/teacher conference review...My 100% I do NOT want kids meter...is now more of a 70/30 Not sure anymore if I do or not meter. What?? Well, okay...to be fair there are alot of factors that contributed to the 100% NO meter. There was a point in time where I thought I did want kids. And then after so many failed relationships, growing up with my bitter ass parents, the crumbling world we live in, and things I'd rather not openly discuss here...I just found it easier to convince myself that I definitely didn't want that burden.

I'm thinking, I will just leave this one up to fate, destiny....whatever. If it happens one day in the future then fine, if not...well, that's okay too. I guess it's better to just go with the flow of things. Whatever will be will be.

I guess the most difficult thing for me is what comes before the baby. The whole being in love thing...I love being in love. I really do. And even after so many heartbreaks...I'm still willing to take that leap of faith and trust another human being with my heart time and time again.

I suppose if I find someone who's going to make it their goal to keep my heart safe, I might feel differently on the whole having kids issue.

Right now, I'm just gonna leave it at never say never.

I'm probably going to sleep in an ice water bath.

Don't get me wrong...I love summer. Summer to me is a renewal of life, relaxation, BBQ's, camping, beer gardens, fireworks, and just tons of fun. But, the not so fun part is when you don't have any escape from the humid Chicago heat. Tom (my dad) is essentially against air conditioning I guess unless it's over 100 degrees and the news anchors issue heat advisories.
I'd sit in my car, but my fault...I never got my compressor fixed so my A/C in the truck doesn't work either. FAIL. I won't be able to get it fixed for another month because I'm fucking broke..but only for a short while longer. Thankfully.

If it didn't disrupt my sleep, I wouldn't even mind. Except that it does, I just can't get comfortable and never fully go into a deep sleep. Which, fucking sucks. At least my brother's room is in the basement which is always at least 10 or more degrees cooler than the rest of the house. So, he's got that going for him.

On another note, life is good =) Good job, and a great boy...I'm all set right now.

Potato tossing, fish shooting, & garlic baseball.

It's funny what you'll find to amuse yourself with limited resources, and stripped of basically any modern techonology. Other than a thermal imaging camera, which you'll really only use to take a picture of a pee stream.

Aside from the fist-sized bees, and the threat of ticks and chiggers always in the horizon...it was a wonderfully relaxing, and refreshing get away. I got to shoot 3 different guns which I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to now.

I'd like to go back, although at this point in time in the year, it's insanely hot, making it incredibly hard to be active between the hours of like...8 a.m. and 6 p.m.

There's almost nothing I can think of that is better than sitting around a campfire with a beer and some friends with incredible stars and the sounds of frogs and owls as your soundtrack.

Well...back to the grind tomorrow. Til next time middle o' nowhere Illinois.

I mean, you are breaking the law...

So Highland Park HS canceled their girl's basketball team's trip to Arizona because of AZ's new immigration law. I, personally think this law should be in every state. It makes plenty of sense if you ask me. Every other country has stringent laws about entering onto their soil. Why is that we make it so easy for these people to blend into the rest of society?? If I want to go even to any of the countries bordering ours I need at least a passport card. Which is pretty neat, and it's only half the cost of an actual passport. Passport cards are only good for traveling by land or sea...if you're filing for a new passport you can get one of these with it for only $50 more.

Anyway...I just can't believe that any legitamate U.S. citizen would have a problem with law enforcement doing their job. I mean, last time I checked...it IS illegal to be in the country without appropriate documentation. Hence the term, illegal immigrants. So...this is gonna sound bad, but sorry your country blows...but you can't just come here all nonchalantly and take money from our economy and send it back to your country...or can you? Cause apparently some of you have a problem rectifying this problem...

This is a smoke free body...

So, I haven't smoked innnn about 3 months. At first, it was so weird. I was so used to having cigarettes, and smoking while I drink...but now it feels normal. I try not to, but I occasionally catch myself being one of those assholes I hated when I smoked who just scoffs and scowls and gives you shit about smoking. I'm sure I've done it to one of you at some point these passed few months. I'm sorry...I know it's none of my damn business. I do feel better, and I do like that I don't smell like an ashtray the next day after going out. Or better yet, that my whitening toothpaste actually works now. Who knew??

I don't really have anything inciteful, or worldly to discuss today. I'm going for my drug screening in a couple hours (which I will pass, thank you very much), and I start my new job on Wednesday. Fabulous. I keep imagining all the shoes I'll be able to buy and I just wanna do a Risky Business dance through the kitchen...too bad Tom's (my dad) home.

After that I plan to go for a run at Swallow Cliff, that is if my running friend comes through.
I'm putting lazy on the shelf and gettin' to the fitness.

Catch ya on the flip side.

...Or is it?

William Shakespeare once said, "The very substance of the ambitious is the shadow of a dream."
I don't really know at what point I stopped striving for the best possible version of myself, but a few days ago a seemingly harmless drunken conversation turned into the best motivational speech I've ever gotten.
You should never stop wanting more. No one's been on their death bed wishing they'd had less love, less money, less success...
What's wrong with wanting more? There's a difference between always bettering one's self, and being gluttoness and greedy. If what you reach for is greatness, how can it be wrong?
I've never been one to want to sit idle and watch the world around me go out and get their's...
I've always been artistic, and driven, with a love and passion for learning and for the world. I wish I could figure out at what point I decided to take off my rose colored glasses. I know that reality is sometimes harsh, and scary, and brutally overwhelming...but isn't it better than the alternative?