Since I've been gone

So since I last actually, seriously blogged...I moved from Chicago to Annapolis, MD. Midwest to East Coast was quite a change, but I think a much needed one. I got a job right away...and have since been let go. Yeah, I know...sucks to suck.

To be fair, it wasn't entirely my fault, and I think it just wasn't as good of a fit for me as I had previously thought.

I only regret not looking into a few more options fuly before accepting that position.

Hopefully something will pan out from the 30+ resumes I've sent out since last Thursday.
I've got some temp work this week but nothing truly monetarily promising. For now I am going to take what I can get until the exact right thing turns up...and I'm sure it will.

My sensitive, emo soul is hard to keep in check. I am naturally emotional and easily affected by the slightest things emotionally. It is a daily battle to remind myself to let the little things go, focus on the big picture, and that it can ALWAYS be worse. I'm still working on that...

I had a birthday since I last blogged and am now living the last year of my life in my twenties.
Which, is also slightly depressing just because I know I could've done so much more with myself.

I welcomed a nephew into the world since I last blogged...Evan James on October 14th. He is beautiful, and perfect and I love him to bits.

I will get to spend 4 straight days with him in less than 72 hours. I am beyond excited.

I hope everyone has a joyous and safe holiday with their loved ones...I will blog again after Christmas!

Alright so I lied

Turns out....I broke a promise to the 2 people who probably read this....

Apologies. Lucky for you, I've just come up on some extra free time. So...this time, I promise...I will post real blogs with REAL interesting and important information. I actually can't promise the latter part of that sentence but it'd be cool if it happens on accident.

Anyway, tomorrow starts new blogging. I have to figure out what is going on with the blogger website. I've been gone so long that everythings different. Ugh. Hate that.

Long lost author returns!

I'm drunk...realized I need to blog more...reset my forgotten password...and will uphold my promise to return with new, exciting  blogs! Okay...maybe not exciting, but definetly new.

Nighty night.

How can my heart break when it wasn't even whole to start with.

I put everything I have into everything I do. Jobs, relationships...they get my all.

So why is it...that I feel I don't ever get people's "all"?

Maybe I don't deserve it. Maybe if I stop expecting it I'll get it someday. Maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong people.

I just don't want to settle for anything less than what I want and deserve, and I feel like I am constantly doing that.

If you love someone....you say it. Simple as that.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

I haven't blogged in almost 2 months...that seems wrong. I should really try for at least ONCE a month, I mean geez. It's the least I could do taking up valuable interweb space.

So let's see...I don't really have anything monumental to divulge, but we'll just go ahead and throw out what's been going on since March 27th.

April...there was rain...lot's of it. The boyfriend's birthday came and went, and we are not the same age again. I really hate those 3 months in between that I'm older. Makes me feel weird. Even though there's no reason it should.

More about the boy...he is finally opening up more and making me feel like there is a future to this relationship. We've had a lot of fun recently and it's mostly due to that fact. I find it easier to relax, be open, and comfortable with him, knowing he sees me in the distant future. We've planned a Vermont trip in July, and a trip to Minnesota for a New Years Day Bears game. =D woot! He came to Easter family dinner, as well as a family Birthday party...all within a month. I praise and glorify him. haha. He's a brave dude.

Moving on...my 20 year old sister is pregnant. Yep.

There goes the societal order of things in this family.

It was supposed to be me getting engaged, and married, and having a baby. I'm the oldest, and I just pictured things differently.

But...things are, instead...all three of my parents children in their twenties, living at home, one jobless, one pregnant, and one who feels like she still has a chance to make everyone proud of her.

Memorial day is coming up this weekend, and I'm hoping to just have a great relaxing, care free time with my man, and our friends and family.

Til next time...

We are always running for the thrill of it...

Always pushing up the hill searching for the thrill of it.

I think it's kinda funny

Things can change so quickly. Sometimes, within the blink of an eye. Sometimes, it's hard to even pinpoint the exact moment things changed. Sometimes, it doesn't matter because whatever changed is for the better and has pasted your face with a permanent smile, and all you can think about is rainbows, butterflies, and baskets of kittens. There's no reason to search and sift through your memories to find that split millisecond in time where your universe shifted, because the change has made you blissfully, and ridiculously happy. It's then that change is praised, and accepted, rather than cursed upon. Like when whatever changes in your life leaves you devastated, and huddled in the corner. Lost for words, and scouring through your brain to try and discover what happened and when to make things the way they have become. Hours spent lying awake, wishing...hoping for an answer that sometimes never comes.

It's funny, how volatile our relationship is with change. It is a necessary evil in this world though...because sometimes, things need to change.

And I wonder, when I sing along with you...

If everything could ever feel this real forever.

If anything could ever be this good again....

Right now. I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Squint your eyes, and look closer...

I'm not between you and your ambition.

I'm not that girl...

Mind is a razorblade

I have trouble sleeping at night. Mostly, because I don't know how to turn off my thoughts. Unless under the influence of alcohol or mary jane, it takes hours for my mind to finally exhaust itself from the chaos inside.

Any recommendations?

I yearn for simplicity

Which feels unattainable in such a complicated world...

I think...

I may be the only person my age who hasn't been to Vegas. I wanna go. This year.

That is all.

Seriously...

I must be fucking kidding myself. I need to just grow a set, and get on with it.

Even diamonds start as coal...

I can name all the reasons that I love you. I wonder if you can do the same, or if you even love me at all. Love isn't perfect...and I think many people expect it to be. If perfection is what you seek, I fear you will end up alone. I will gladly take the good with the bad to be with you, can you say the same?

Just tell me I'm here for a reason.

It always feels like there is just one person in the world to love....and then you find someone else, and you wonder why you were ever worried in the first place.

I have always made it clear that I simply do not believe there is only one soul mate for each of us. I mean, come on. That would be such a stupid system. Everyone has multiple soul mates. This is just the way it is.

Now, maybe you'll only need one of yours in your lifetime. That's great...that's wonderful. Some of us may need more than one.

I've been through my fair share of heart breaks....the kind that shattered my world and left me with nothing. Literally...no job, no house...not even a bed. I mean...all I had were my clothes and some pillows. I guess technically that's something, but I made it out alive.

I'm still standing...still breathing...

I find myself constantly thinking about the entire concept of love, and the previous statements I made...are what I really believe. So I wonder then, why it's so hard for me to live by them?

I know that I am a person who deserves love, and is ready and open to share my life. I want that...I've always wanted that. Yet, I always find myself with someone who holds back from me.

And then I start to think...maybe...maybe I don't deserve it...what am I doing wrong....am I meant to be alone?

I don't know...and being in love with a person and not knowing where they stand is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world.

I'm a strong person...but I can only take so much. Because just as I am strong, I am resilient as well...

Even though I know better...

I stick around.

Even though I deserve better...I stick around.

Even though I know things you think I don't....I stick around.

This doesn't mean I don't care...it means you don't care enough.

Maybe it doesn't mean that either, but if not...you should tell me.

I won't wait forever, even though right now it seems I will.

My heart can only take so much...your secrets will eat away at me and break me down.

My love's too big for you my love...

And no, I don't believe in soul mates...but I believe in love...and I believe in ever afters, and I want one all my own.

I don't want to be the second choice...over the one that you let go.

If none of this can change...and you leave me high and dry...I won't shed a tear for the love that you let die.