To be honest, I really never pictured my life at 27 being what it is now. I mean, who would? Broke, living at home, shit job, shit car....
Yeah, no one.

My climb to the top is long and steep, but despite whatever is thrown my way I don't have an option to stop...or turn around. It's onward, and upwards. I have no other choice.

I just don't know how I let myself fall so far.

Help, I'm alive my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

I am starting school this fall. I'm starting out with one class. I've never gone to school and also worked full time, so I wanted to see what my stress-o-meter will be like before I go ahead and load myself with 3 or 4 classes. As long as things go smoothly through winter break, by spring semester I should be able to have at least 3 classes going. Phew. I was honestly getting to the point where I thought school, was once again, not going to happen for me this year.

Thankfully, my dad agreed to pick up the tab on this course. Not sure why he decided to be nice, but whatever. I'm not gonna question it or complain.

Work is picking up too, so this week is extra good. Not particularly looking forward to the weekend considering boyfriend has to work Saturday and Sunday :( That is lame with a side of bogus. It would be tolerable if he didn't just tell me yesterday that he may have to do the same thing next weekend. Blah. Dislike. Hopefully the weekend after next we get to go south for the weekend though. That would make up for it.

Oh, and also Dear Illinois State Police...please put my FOID in the mail. Thanks. I sent the application in like...a week and a half ago.

Anyway, i'm gonna go do some crunches...wash myself...maybe take a 20 minute power nap.
Oh, and get excited...new Tosh tonight.

Until your facebook gets hacked.

And then you have what feels like a mini heart attack combined with an anxiety attack sprinkled with a bit of brain aneurysm. Because we all know that face to face social interaction is sooo 90's. What in heaven's would we do without the inter web?!?!? No FB?? I had to go a measly 24 hours without one and didn't know what the fuck to do with myself. I don't know how we ever became so dependant upon Internet social networking sites. Is there really nothing else for us to do but virtual stalking of all our friends, friends of friends, and people we used to be friends with but aren't really any more other than on facebook because they aren't really important enough for us in real life??? Shit. I mean, I know I wish there was more things for me to do. Hopefully school will occupy some of the countless wasteful hours I spend on FB. My boyfriend actually called me a "Facebook Whore" today. Now, I know it's getting bad...but I simply replied, "Well, it's better than being a real life whore." To which he had not much else to say because, well it's true. I didn't really take much offense to it, considering he's a Call of Duty whore. Haha. Whatever. It's all good in this kid's neighborhood. I'm gonna try and get some shut eye because tomorrow I have to shave two gigantic St. Bernards and I will not be a pleasant person to be around until I'm finished because they are bigger than miniature horses. Ugh...setting my alarm a tad earlier so I can grab coffee immediately tomorrow a.m.

night all

Hey Friday...you slippery little minx you ;)

I am beyond overjoyed for the arrival of the weekend. This week has been long and I am overdue for some social interaction with my friends. Hopefully the shennanigans that ensue over the next couple of days give me some exciting and/or hilarious things to blog about...that is, if I can remember them. ;)

People never cease to amaze me.

Honestly, what are you? Go ahead and keep solidifying the choice I made. I suppose some people legitimately have no idea how to act like an adult. Or even pretend to be one. Get over yourself, and get over thinking I care who you talk to. It's the secrets and the shady-ness that are the issue...but you never got that, did you?

I got my heart, but my heart's no good.

Just once, I'd like for something in my life to work out ya know? I'm beginning to think I really am just prepetually sabotaging myself. I have no idea why, or when it started. What I know is that I'd like it to stop.

I think I may have to consciously remind myself on a daily basis, not to hate on myself. Hahaha. Wow. I'm my own worst hater. What the fuck...

Don't just stand there and watch me fall.

I feel overwhelmingly discouraged right now. I just don't know where to even begin to climb out of the hole I've fallen into. It's as if every time I get to the edge, someone pushes me back over. I refuse to give up...I refuse to let my dreams die. I'll get there, eventually. However long it takes...but that doesn't mean I can't scream and cry to get this frustration out of my body right now. I just can't have it in me anymore. It's killing me.

You gotta let me inside...

Even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see. Like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be. You gotta love yourself before you can ever love me.

Plllleeease universe, just give me a tiny, itty bitty, break already, will ya?!

Sometimes, I feel like I am the epitome of Murphy's Law. I am nearing my tolerance threshold as far as stress goes, and at any moment I feel like I am going to collapse into a sobbing, sniffling, mess. I am trying as much as I can to hold it together, and wait it out...but every morning I can feel the breakdown creeping closer. I've beat it back several times already. I am at capacity...I'm pretty sure one more discouraging event is going to throw me into hysterical blindness.
I am begging you Karma, throw some good luck my way. This girl's about to crack.

I know what I know if ya know what I mean.

The truth is, I have learned to live without alot of things. I guess it's more of a good thing, than anything. Although, not in every case. And just because I've learned to live without something, doesn't mean my heart still doesn't hurt a little. Affection, love, the feeling like you matter to someone...that's hard to live without, but trust me it can be done.
I've finally gotten to the place in my life where I don't need specific people in my life...if you're in it, it's because I want you in it. I don't want to need people. For whatever reason, way back whenever...I started relying on other people for nearly everything in life. Turns out, you should really be relying on yourself.
Like Mick Jagger sang, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need." I love the Rolling Stones...and that quote is something everyone should try, at least a tiny bit, to believe in. Sometimes ya gotta learn to go with the flow and ride things out. If you work hard you'll get where you wanna be eventually.
No matter how random things may seem, there's always a plan, right Hannibal?

I can only be there for you...

if you let me.

This land is your land.

Independence Day. A day used in celebrating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. July 4Th, 1776...a day that we've turned into BB Q's, fireworks, carnivals, parades, and over indulgence in alcohol. Which, in all honesty, I guess we have the freedom to do now.
Maybe this year, let's not forget we have men and women fighting for this country right now, as they have been for almost 10 years in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Let's remember their families, and their friends...who are wishing nothing more than to have those men and women home with them to celebrate. And let's toast to the fallen men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice so we could go soak up the sun with a beer in hand on a pontoon boat or on beach or some one's backyard, and laugh and enjoy everything life has to offer.

Be safe everyone, and enjoy life this weekend.

Cheers.