Maybe the ice around my heart finally melted.

I was at work today and we have this little Thomas the train play area set up right outside the grooming room in between that and the puppies play rooms. So there's always kids staring at me and hanging around out there. I didn't have any appointments scheduled so I was mingling with customers who were looking at the puppies trying to convince them to take one home, since I can't :) Anyway, after I got through suckering an adorable old couple (who just put there 2 sixteen year old cocker spaniels to sleep 6 weeks ago) into buying a teeny tiny little shihtzu/yorkie I was walking back to the groom room and happened upon a lost little boy.
His name was Ryan and he was 3 years old. For being so young, and seemingly lost, he was sooo calm and collected. He looked up at me and said, " Hey, hi I was too busy playin' Thomas and now my dad just left me here!" Hahaha...I was like, "Oh I'm sure he didn't just leave you here. Why don't we go try and find him?" And so we did.

I'm not sure what it was...but between that, and my pseudo nephew's parent/teacher conference review...My 100% I do NOT want kids meter...is now more of a 70/30 Not sure anymore if I do or not meter. What?? Well, okay...to be fair there are alot of factors that contributed to the 100% NO meter. There was a point in time where I thought I did want kids. And then after so many failed relationships, growing up with my bitter ass parents, the crumbling world we live in, and things I'd rather not openly discuss here...I just found it easier to convince myself that I definitely didn't want that burden.

I'm thinking, I will just leave this one up to fate, destiny....whatever. If it happens one day in the future then fine, if not...well, that's okay too. I guess it's better to just go with the flow of things. Whatever will be will be.

I guess the most difficult thing for me is what comes before the baby. The whole being in love thing...I love being in love. I really do. And even after so many heartbreaks...I'm still willing to take that leap of faith and trust another human being with my heart time and time again.

I suppose if I find someone who's going to make it their goal to keep my heart safe, I might feel differently on the whole having kids issue.

Right now, I'm just gonna leave it at never say never.

...Or is it?

William Shakespeare once said, "The very substance of the ambitious is the shadow of a dream."
I don't really know at what point I stopped striving for the best possible version of myself, but a few days ago a seemingly harmless drunken conversation turned into the best motivational speech I've ever gotten.
You should never stop wanting more. No one's been on their death bed wishing they'd had less love, less money, less success...
What's wrong with wanting more? There's a difference between always bettering one's self, and being gluttoness and greedy. If what you reach for is greatness, how can it be wrong?
I've never been one to want to sit idle and watch the world around me go out and get their's...
I've always been artistic, and driven, with a love and passion for learning and for the world. I wish I could figure out at what point I decided to take off my rose colored glasses. I know that reality is sometimes harsh, and scary, and brutally overwhelming...but isn't it better than the alternative?